Radio LBB: Confessions of a Music Fraud

I, Kitty Sharp, am a music fraud.

It was only when I sat down to write this article that I realised just how pear-shaped my musical “career” truly is: a journey stitched together by mishaps, misunderstandings, and sheer cheek.

We were off to a fine start at age seven, when my school’s admin department mixed up the music lessons of the two Kittys in my year. My parents had enrolled me in piano and the other Kitty in drums — but thanks to this glorious clerical blunder, I spent a full year taking drum lessons while she toiled away at the piano. By the time anyone realised, I genuinely believed I was the second coming of Ringo Starr.

Next on my quest to avoid the piano, age ten, I enrolled in the double bass course at the Royal College of Music. Fast-forward a year of hauling an instrument three times my size onto the 52 bus every Saturday morning… and I was dismissed with a range of report cards from “exasperated” to “furious,” plus a gentle plea to consider a future outside classical music.

By the time university rolled around, I was a master of disguise, armed with a crucial piece of intel: there was a nationwide shortage of female bass players. As the only bass player at Newcastle University, the highly esteemed University Jazz Orchestra had no choice but to have me. Another corker for the résumé.

With my miming confidence now sky-high after four years of dancing around at the back of the jazz band, DJ-ing felt like the natural next step. This is where I discovered the power of premixed sets and the effects button — both of which I rinsed for all they were worth. Yet again, everyone was duped into believing that my unrelenting enthusiasm and unhinged dancing were a fair trade for actual technical competence.

Shortly after, I completed my Fine Art degree, creating interactive musical sculptures — including a full-size diamanté seesaw with an inbuilt giant maraca, and a huge ceramic “bong” that sounded a horn when blown. Much to my dad’s disappointment, it couldn’t play Beethoven; much to my mum’s disappointment, it couldn’t function as a bong. By some miracle — and what I firmly believe was yet another administrative mistake — I graduated with First-Class Honours. Once again, music carried me over the finish line.

At the end of this long string of musical mishaps, I somehow stumbled into the beginnings of my career at Felt Music. Two days after starting, we were in Cannes dancing by a pool, and I found myself wondering how on earth I’d got so lucky.

Let me be clear: this isn’t imposter syndrome. I stand before you a fully qualified, certified imposter. By lifting this great weight of secrecy, I admit that my relationship with music has always been messy, chaotic, and uncoordinated — and yet, somehow, the most consistent thing in my life.

A heartfelt nod to all the teachers who tolerated the confusion of why I arrived carrying a drumstick but left holding a double bass and a USB stick. And, of course, to the Felt Music team, who welcomed me into their family and who — after reading this — will hopefully continue to employ me.

Music has always been my best-kept secret. And against all odds, I finally know how to use it. Enjoy my eclectic playlist!